


Pilot [Entry1]

by hezxhan



Category: No Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27180542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hezxhan/pseuds/hezxhan





	Pilot [Entry1]

“So, are you actually interested in me? Or do you just want to fuck me?”   
After playing games of cat-and-mouse for too long, and the long-distanced, indirect flirtations that have been going on, I was worn out. I needed clarity, but yet also I’m praying to God to give me the strength to pull through and not melt down if I were faced with yet another rejection. 

Sam visibly shuddered, and stood where he was mouth agape. He wasn’t used to hearing me use such explicit language, evidently.   
We stood facing each other in silence for a while. His eyes were darting left and right, my steely gaze fixated on him the whole time.

It must be yet another disappointment that I was going to face, not dissimilar from all the previous heartbreaks from before, but the pain hurts just the same every single time – the shock, the partial acceptance, the bigger part of denial kicking in, bargaining and fuelling myself back with hope out of my own desperation… And then the sadness. Of knowing that I have ended yet another love interest of mine, along with another seemingly good friendship that was blossoming, despite its lack of romance.   
People say that sometimes love is just found, and happens when things feel right between two fated persons, and that love is a conscious choice too, from following up after finding that feeling of ‘rightness’. But let me have my say in this, especially when the circumstances are similar to one such as mine – no one falls in love easily with a mentally, or emotionally broken person, and would much less want to take the responsibility to ‘walk into love’ with them unconditionally. People like us will have to eventually start learning at some point of their lives that we have to be accustomed to the idea that we will have to be alone for a very, very long time. And until most people have grown or made enough progress in their own lives until they can understand and empathise with us, we will not receive the sort of romantic love and care that we desire so badly. Enough with my personal rambles, he’s finally moving his lips to say something.

“Zoe, I… I don’t really know…” He mumbled out of his barely parted lips, with his gaze now directed to the ground.

“Right… I understand, but don’t you think you should at least know if you have feelings for someone, or if you’re still lusting for them?” I may have said that with too heavy of a tone, as I realise that my voice was lowering, and my volume had slightly gone up a notch. 

Sam took in a sharp, deep breath, and it seemed like he has finally found the words that could finally phrase what he was truly thinking.  
“Please give me some time to think… I do like you, you know? You’re amazing, and I think it has been obvious that there had been some mutual attraction that even you wouldn’t deny, no? With all the sneaky looks and how you’d stare straight into my eyes with your excited, wide-eyed gaze. I feel it too, but I just need some time to get things sorted out with myself… Is that alright?” He spoke at a spitfire pace – man it must have felt good to have everything that he wanted to say finally come out in one go. 

“Thank you for being honest with me. And yes, that’s really, totally alright. May I talk to you again just like this, one-on-one again this time next week? In the meantime, I hope we can still act normally and have fun together with the rest of the team during our next group meetings…” I continued hesitatingly. 

“That would be perfectly fine. And yes, let’s. Thank you.” Sam said with a smile – he seemed assured now, and comfortable. It’s good to give him some space for now I suppose. 

“Thank you for agreeing to come out to talk to me one-on-one like that today. I’m sorry if I’ve taken away your time. I’ll be heading back now.” I returned, sheepishly.

“No problem, please take it easy, and rest well.” 

After which, we went our separate ways and returned to our individual dorm rooms to rest.  
I'm pretty sure that while that conversation seemed to have had its closure for now, my antsy brain is probably going to make a stink over it soon enough, nit-picking through all the minute details of what was said... Forget about it, that's another problem for another day. I need to sleep, and sleep I shall. 

Oh the woe of being young, confused, hopeful, and yearning for love and companionship; God knows this longing isn’t the healthiest or most ideal, but I’d be damned if I were to say, that this exhilarating dilemma isn’t what makes life worth experiencing.


End file.
